


Hate That I Love You (MinKey)

by RiahWrites02



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Oneshot, Romance, SHINee - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26610571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiahWrites02/pseuds/RiahWrites02
Summary: Key and Minho hate each other at first, but Key slowly begins crushing on Minho and leaning on him for support. They realize through the years how important they are to each other.
Relationships: Choi Minho/Kim Kibum | Key, Kim Jonghyun/Lee Taemin
Kudos: 12





	Hate That I Love You (MinKey)

**Author's Note:**

> This is MinKey with a side of JongTae. Nothing super graphic but referenced self-harm, so triggers. No graphic description of anything but lots or angst. This is a longish-oneshot I wrote. Also use of a homophobic slur.

2007~

"Wait up!" I turn around to see Jin-Ki behind me. Across the schoolyard, Tae-Min is standing. 

"Hey," I'm a bit out of breath as I catch up to him. Normally, I would have fun and laugh, but not today. I feel so bad. I don't think anyone likes me, and I'm tired of feeling useless. 

Jin-Ki catches up to us. "Good day?" He asks Tae-Min. 

"Yeah, it's all right." He shrugs. It looks like he isn't entirely telling the truth, but I'm too tired to ask him now. 

"Hey loser!" I look up to see a familiar face scoffing at me. 

I sigh. "Shut it, Min-Ho." Min-Ho is one of the kids who is training with us, and I think he hates me. I think he hates all of us a little. He acts like we're weird and he's cool. He thinks he's cool hanging around with the older kids, the bullies. It looks like they followed us here too. 

"Not gonna make you less of a loser if I shut it, huh?" The kids behind Min-Ho start laughing. I didn't think it was very funny. I remember when we first met and I told him my nickname. "Key? What kind of name is that? It's Ki-Bum." I hate being called Ki-Bum. 

"Don't lose your cool," Jin-Ki whispers in my ear. 

Just then, I see my best friend, Jonghyun, sprinting across the school yard. "There you are. Where were you guys?"

"We has to pick up Tae-Min from school," says Jin-Ki. "Because he's a baby." He pats Tae-Min's head. He smiles up at Jin-Ki. He loves being spoiled by us. 

"Oh," Jonghyun looks at the ground. "I was waiting for like 15 minutes. You could have come by first." He shrugs. "But I guess it doesn't matter anyway."

"No, I'm really sorry," says Jin-Ki. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

"You could have texted," he sighs. "But I guess you guys don't care that much. No one cares about me."

"That's not—"

"Oh, look, it's the guy who ruined Soo-Jin's relationship!" One of the older girls behind Min-Ho steps out and sneers at Jonghyun. "Only because you outed her to the entire school!" 

"I said I didn't mean to—I thought everyone knew she was dating Jae-Hyun...it was so obvious..." his face turns red. "I said I was sorry."

"About the time you told the teacher they made out in the bathroom?"

"People were threatening me about it—I didn't want to get in trouble. I didn't know she was gonna tell the entire school—"

I put my hand on Jonghyun's shoulder. "It's okay."

"Of course, one loser would support another. You're so disgusting, Ki-Bum."

Min-Ho looks slightly uncomfortable around them. I almost feel bad for him until he shrugs and starts laughing with the others. He is so tall though. And he has nice skin. I hate him, but anyone would have to admit he's hot. 

I try to let her words roll off me, but can't. Do I really look disgusting? I know I have acne, but? Who cares, anyway. It's not like anyone would ever like me...

"And I don't know why you hang around this gay baby either," one or them points at Tae-Min.

"I'm not gay, and I'm not a baby," he says, flushing. 

"Explain why he looks like a girl, then?" Min-Ho laughs. I feel sick. Tae-Min is a nice kid. He doesn't deserve this. 

"Guys come on," says Jin-Ki, beckoning to us. "We have to get to practice."

"You know you'll never be anything right? All of you." The girl's eyes focus sharply back on Jonghyun. "I hate you for what you did. You know you can't do anything right! You're a loser, Kim Jong-Hyun. Nothing but a loser!"

"Hey!" I can feel my face flushing as I run forward in a daze. I slap my hand across the girl's cheek. She takes a couple steps back in surprise, before throwing me on the ground. Everybody laughs. 

"That's what you get for messing with us, loser!"

"Yeah, you guys are so weird," Min-Ho says. "You didn't have to hit her. You're so dumb, Ki-Bum."

"Shut up." I try to shut their words out. "Shut. Up!" 

Jonghyun steps in front of me. "You didn't have to hit her, Key; it's fine, please—sorry about that, Eun-Byul. He's just a little protective—" A confused look flickers across the girl's face. Why is he the one apologizing? She's the one who called him a loser. 

"No, he's not protective! He's insane!" One of the boys laughs. "Right, Minho?"

"Yeah," says Min-Ho. "He's a faggot anyway."

I freeze. How does he know I'm most likely gay? What if he outed me to the school? I start sweating. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate it here. I don't think; I shove Jonghyun out of the way and make a beeline for Min-Ho. I'm going to fuck him up so good, and I'm not sorry.

"Hey, hey!" Jonghyun is faster than me. "It's all right. Just ignore him."

He expects me to ignore that? My head hurts. I don't stop running until I get to Jonghyun. It doesn't matter if he's in my way. I'll fuck him up too— but I can't make myself do that. I don't know what to do. To my dismay, I start crying instead. Fuck, he's gonna laugh at me for that, I think. I vaguely hear Jin-Ki say something to Min-Ho, but I don't catch it. I don't pay attention to anything now. My head feels like it's going to explode. I wanted to fuck him up so bad, and now he's gone...I'm so angry. All I can do now is cry. 

"It's okay. I'll talk to him, all right?" I shake my head. I don't even care now. I hate Min-Ho so much. "We have to get to practice, all right?" Jonghyun takes his jacket sleeve and wipes the tears off my face. "Let's go before there's any more drama, all right? Do your best to ignore Min-Ho for now, okay?"

I don't know how I can do that, but I just keep my head down and follow Jonghyun. But a secret part of me still wants to shoot Min-ho into the sun. 

2008~

"I can't believe we actually did it!" Jinki says, "Good job, guys, with debut."

Min-Ho looks down at his dinner plate. It's been almost a year since the schoolyard incident, and he's acted a lot more mature since then. He has to, since he has to appear in public now as an idol. He apologized, only because Jonghyun made him. "So guys," he says. "I guess we'll be working together for a long time. I feel really bad for hanging around those kids. I don't know what I was thinking...I've done some thinking now and I just feel bad."

"It's all right," says Jinki "I've done stupid things when I was younger too."

I'm still hurt by it, but I don't say anything. Min-Ho never told me if he knew about my sexuality, and I didn't tell him. But what makes it worse isn't just that I like guys. It's that Min-Ho...I shake the thought away in disgust. I think I like him. I'm sweating again.

"Key? You know what? I'm really sorry for what I said that time, when I called you names. And Jonghyun, I didn't, but I stood by Eun-Byul when she did. You're not a loser, Jonghyun. And Key you're not—what I said..." 

I feel even worse now, because I am. And I like him. I hate it so much. I can't hide how uncomfortable I feel. I push my chair back, abruptly. "I have to use the bathroom." I'm a bit dizzy as I stand up. 

"Hey, I'm coming too," says Jonghyun, standing up. 

"What are you, a girl?" Min-Ho teases him. I know he's joking, but I still feel uneasy. 

I almost knock into a waitress as I make my way to the bathroom. 

"What's wrong?" Asks Jonghyun, shutting the door behind us. 

"No one is in here, right?" I look around quickly, but I don't see or hear anyone. "Okay." My hands start sweating. Do I tell him? He's my best friend, I have to tell him. I take a deep breath. "You know...what Min-Ho said?"

"Yeah? He apologized for it, you know. Maybe you should give him a chance."

"No, it's not that—" I flush again. "Even back when he said it I knew...it's true...what he said." My face is burning now. I look at my shoes intently. 

"It's fine. It really is. I think I like guys too." I have a brief moment of panic. What if he likes me? "No, not like that," he laughs. "But it's fine."

I swallow. "There's more. I still don't like him...he's hurt me before but...I think I'm crushing on Min-Ho. He's hot—" If my face was flushed before, now it's red as a tomato. "I don't think Min-Ho likes guys...I mean he's said that shit; I guess he doesn't think too fondly of gay people." 

"You never know," says Jonghyun, shrugging. "I knew a guy once who would say stuff like that all the time. When he went to college, I heard he was dating a guy."

"Okay. Uhhh...don't tell him, okay? Don't tell Jinki either."

"Okay, I won't. I don't want you to get in trouble either."

"You sure?" 

"Of course. Your secret's safe with me."

2010~

I can't take it anymore, all the fights and the arguing. It started over something small and stupid, since we're all tired from our tour and all. I don't even know how the argument started, but Jonghyun and Jinki were having some sort of clash, and then Minho started yelling at everyone and throwing things, and Taemin just sat in the corner like a scared child...I can't stand it when they fight. I tried to break it up, and Minho snarled at me...he shoved me against the wall. It hurts me so much. I don't know how to handle it. I'm just so exhausted. I think I hate all of them. I just want to disappear. I'll cause more trouble. It's only been about four years but it feels like I've known them forever. And I'm not sure that's a good thing. 

TW//SELF-H*RM:

I violently lock the bathroom door, desperately trying to hold my tears. There's no one in here; it's not like anyone would know. But I'm still not about to cry about nothing. It's all been piling up for awhile now. I hate it. I start running the bath water. Now no one will know if I'm crying. I strip down and step into the bath. It's scalding hot, and it hurts my skin a bit, but it feels good. I forgot how good it felt to be hurt. I crave more of it. I shudder. No, I'm not going back to middle school. I'm not. I'm grown-up now, I should behave. 

I start thinking about earlier again; Minho pushed me, and no one even cared or defended me. No one loves me. I can't take it anymore. I close my eyes as I take the razor off the side of the bathtub and raise it to my wrist. I'm breaking my promise to stay clean. I can't even do that right. 

***

"H-Hyung?" I know it's very late, but he still came to the door. 

I keep my wrist hidden, even though I carefully bandaged it. It's late, and I'm a disaster. 

"Key? What's wrong? Be quiet because Taemin is sleeping," I step into Jonghyun's room closing the door behind me with a soft click. Taemin is lying on the bottom bunk, looking even more babyish than usual. I have a strong urge to protect him. He's worn out. He's working very hard to improve his singing. He's working overtime. He's too young to work that much. 

"I—" I can't do this anymore. I promised—I'm such a fuck-up. I tell him about everything that I was feeling, how it's all been too much, how I'm so tired, how I wanted to punch Minho earlier, even though he is hot...but no. I just feel like a disaster...I have to tell him now. I take a deep breath. "After all of that...I couldn't take it any longer, I went to the bathroom and—" I can't get through it. I break down crying like a wreck again. It's okay, I think in the back of my mind, Taemin is a sound sleeper. 

I close my eyes and point to my bandaged arm. I'm shaking so bad...

"Oh, Key..."

I feel like I'm choking. 

"You have to breathe, okay?" 

"I—I'm s-sorry, I—"

"It's okay, Key, shhhh."

I see Taemin stirring through my blurred vision. He sits up groggily. "What's up? Oh, hi, Key? Is it morning yet?"

"No, it's not morning, Taemin-shi." Jonghyun takes the blanket and throws it over Taemin's head. "Now go back to sleep you big baby."

Taemin rolls his eyes. "I'm not a baby," he pouts. "Now why is Key here?"

"It's a long story."

"Stop hiding things,"he pouts again, "I'm old enough to understand!" 

"I love a pouty baby who hasn't had enough sleep. Anyway. Key is just having a hard time right now. It's all right."

I shrug and point, trying not to cry again. He's not a sheltered kid. He understands. "It's okay though."

"It's not okay. Don't hurt yourself, Key. It's okay. I didn't like the fighting either. I got scared," he laughs nervously. 

"Yeah. I'm really sorry about that, both of you. Jinki and I should know better. I'm just tired." Jonghyun sighs. 

"You all right?"

"I guess, yeah."

"Don't tell Jinki about this okay? Either of you." I know Taemin can be a bit of a tattletale, but in a serious case I trust him not to tell. He's a good kid. 

***

"Key?" We're changing out of our gym clothes from dance practice. I'm sweating, but I like to dance. It's the kind of thing that keeps me busy and makes me forget my troubles. 

"What?" I turn to Minho. "What?" 

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I understand if you're mad..." 

"No, it's fine." I shrug, taking off my training jacket without thinking. 

"What happened to your arm?" He asks. I freeze. "I mean it's all bandaged up like that. Did you get hurt practicing or something?" He trails off. He sees the look on my face. "Are you okay? You look sick." Why is he being nice all of a sudden?

I try to brush it off, but I can't. "I—last night I kind of snapped, I—Jong knows."

"Oh my God—"

"It's fine." I shrug it off. "Please. I don't want to talk about it."

"No it's fine..." Minho puts his arm around me. "You know it's okay, right? If you ever need to talk to me about anything..." 

I let myself lean into the hug. "Thanks, Minho."

*END OF TW*

2012~

It's only their third time doing the shtick, and the crowd goes wild for it as always, as they put their hands to the sky triumphantly, still cuffed together. It's truly a magical moment. Something about this performance feels different, more energized. The crowd is still going, again, again. I hear them scream for an encore. Something seems truly perfect between them, not like I saw it before. Almost like they're meant to be...

***

"Hyung? You look, uhhh, different." Minho teases Jonghyun as he throws down the handcuffs. 

"Different 'cause I'm shirtless?"

"Yeah, put a shirt on, dork." Minho throws him a sweatshirt. 

"I don't want to," says Jonghyun. He looks almost agitated. He keeps glancing nervously at Taemin, then back at us. "You know what, screw it. I'm done playing around." He pulls Taemin in at lightning speed, lifting him off the floor a bit. Even though he is short, he is strong. He comes to meet Taemin's gaze for a second before planting the kiss that was so-close-yet-so-far onstage. Just as quickly as it began, it's over, and Taemin is sitting on the floor, laughing his lungs out. 

Minho leans over to whisper in my ear. "Did you see that?"

I laugh. "I'm not blind, Ho." Then my expression changes. I remember what he said to me in the schoolyard all those years ago. I wonder what he thinks of all this. 

"What's wrong, Key?" He reads my face. 

"Nothing, I just thought of how you—you know when you were younger?"

"Oh," Minho looks at his feet. "You know, I think I might be bi, actually. I think that stuff as a kid...that was all internalized homophobia like...I thought I might like guys and I wasn't comfortable with it, so I took it out on others, you know? I'm really really sorry about all that." 

"It really is fine," I tell him. "Just good to know you're not judging them."

"No," he says. "First time I've seen Jong smile offstage all week."

"Yeah," I think about it for a minute. "I'll admit stuff has been really stressful lately. I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it."

"You know you can talk to me about it, okay? Key? Uhhh?"

"What?"

"You wanna go grab coffee sometime? Just you and me?"

"Well I guess I'm the only one without a date!" Jinki comes into the room now, smiling. 

"Oh please," I tell him. "We're not dating." 

Minho gives me a look. 

"But yeah, I do want to go out. As friends." 

"How about Saturday?"

"Sounds good."

"As friends, all right?" Minho laughs. "Can't wait to brag to these dorks." I look down, but JongTae are too absorbed in their own conversation to hear his teasing. 

2015~

"Don't push me—hey!" Minho shouts as he makes a big splash in the swimming pool.

"I had to do that, you big dork," I tease him. I'm busy sunning myself by the pool. Our album Odd just came out, and things are going smoothly. We have a bit of time to relax before catching a flight tomorrow morning for our next interview. We're all just hanging out by the pool. Jinki is reading a book under a red umbrella. 

"You didn't have to push me, come on!" Minho whines, but starts swimming to the other end of the pool where Jonghyun and Taemin are. "Come on, you guys aren't even swimming!" 

Taemin splashes water at Minho. 

"Key—babe fetch me the beach ball." Minho bursts out laughing. We've only been official (well to the group; we can't really announce it publicly, nor do I want to) for about a month and we're still getting used to these dating terms. 

"Okay babe." 

Jonghyun rolls his eyes. "That's not how you do it, Key, you gotta wink, like this!" He demonstrates his signature wink and toothy smile. 

"No, pretty sure only you can pull that off," teases Taemin, jumping up in the pool and planting a kiss on Jonghyun's cheek. We haven't tried kissing yet, and I wonder how that would work out. I wonder what kissing Minho, really kissing him, would be like. Not those goofy fake friendship kisses. Like kissing him for real. It's a nice thought to have. 

"Thanks babe." Jonghyun imitates me when I called to Minho. 

"Yeah you're right, Jong. It does sound stupid."

He starts laughing. "So be it."

"You're cute, babe, but I want the beach ball."

"Yeah, right." I toss it down to him. "Catch!" The ball hits Minho clear in the face. 

"Heyyy! You totally did that on purpose!" He cusses as I jump into the pool with him. Poor Jinki. He has to live with his kids being crazy like this. Simply two crazy couples in a pool, madly in love. 

2017~

The cheers and applause grow louder. The show is a hit. The fans really love us. And I love them. I love everyone. And for the first time, I feel like I can love myself. 

***

"Nice work, Bummie!" Minho throws his arms around me backstage after the show. 

I roll my eyes. "Just remember only you can call me that."

"I have the Bummie pass! I have the Bummie pass! Jong! Jong?"Jonghyun barely looks at him. He seems to be too busy tying his shoe, or pretending to tie it. 

"Take it easy," I slip out of Minho's grasp and head over. "Jong?" 

"Key?" He looks up from his shoes. I still remember that time all those years ago when I told him who I really was...I could tell him anything, even all those years ago. 

"You good?" He looks at his shoes again. He hasn't quite been himself lately. 

Taemin and Jinki come through the door now. "Hey guys—what's wrong?"

"Babe, come here. Hug, please." Taemin throws down his water bottle and runs over. 

"Hyunnie, what's wrong?" Taemin squeezes Jonghyun's abs very tightly. 

"Careful, Tae, give him a chance to breathe," says Jinki. 

"It's fine. He's my baby."

"I'm twenty-four, Hyunnie!"

"Nope, still my baby last time I checked. Says so on the tag." He checks Taemin's shirt tag. "It came with the deal. 'Always a baby.'"

"Just as long as you always love me. Promise?"

"Yeah...I promise. It's not you guys' fault that I feel bad. It's just everything builds up after a long time..."

I understand exactly how he feels. Especially that bad time seven years ago. Has it really been that long? It didn't scar too bad. It's barely visible now. I came through all this. He can too. 

"You know what? I'm really glad this is working out for everyone, like as a group you know? I'm glad I came around. I love these five dorks with my entire being." Minho smiles and picks me up. "Especially this one."

"Yes indeed." I laugh. "Kiss me." 

For what feels like the millionth time this week he smashes his lips into mine. "There. You happy? Or even more touch-starved?"

I laugh. "It's all right." But it really isn't. Something feels like it's going on...like something is going to change...I'm scared of it. "Minho's right about the team. I couldn't do it without you four. I love you guys so much."

"Of course." Jinki smiles. "I'm glad to be part of it for all these years and I'm so proud of you guys. Especially Taemin, you sound so good now...it's night and day. Jong, you really taught him well."

"Really? I did try." He smiles, for what feels like the first time in awhile. I want him to smile more. "Yes Tae, I like flattering you. I'm very proud of my baby."

"I'm not a baby!" Taemin whines, tugging on Jonghyun's shirt. 

"It's official," says Jinki. "Group hug time."

"Anytime?"

"Anytime." 

I grab Minho's arm and throw myself around Jong and Tae. Jinki joins in on the other side. "SHINee forever, right?"

"Right," says Jinki. 

"Even when we're 90?" Minho teases me. 

"Whatever's left of me, I laugh. But yes. Always and forever."

"Always?" Asks Taemin, his eyes sparkling a bit as he looks up. 

"Always."

2018~

I put the phone down with a sigh. It's after 3AM, and I still haven't fallen asleep. Smart people would tell me to stay off my phone, but it's the only thing to distract me from my thoughts. My head hurts. A cold blast of January air hits the back of my head, raising the hairs on my neck. Damnit. I forgot to close the window. I feel a little dizzy as I stand up. I can't stay still anymore, and I should give up on trying to sleep. I sigh and tuck my phone into my jacket pocket. I think about trying to climb out the window. It's a long way down...I'm a little scared of heights. Were you scared, Jonghyun? I shut the window and go out into the hallway. Maybe I need a drink of water. 

I find myself drifting towards Minho's room. Why am I like this? We've barely spoken outside of arrangements since the incident. It's not like we broke up or something, it's just...I don't know. I guess I have a way of pushing people away. It's hard for me to talk to anyone, but seeing the other members like this...it breaks me even more. I know I'm a mess too, but I've tried to keep to myself...but fuck it. I'm going crazy. I don't want to hurt myself again. I don't...do I? I won't talk to Minho. I leave and start heading for the bathroom. I just need to wash my face; it will be okay. I try to take a deep breath, but now I just feel panicky. I can't take it anymore. I just can't...I lock the door behind me and run the water, but I don't get in yet. I just let it run as I collapse to the floor. I can't anymore. Is it scary? My head feels like it's splitting open, and my ears are ringing. I climb into the bathtub, clothes still on and close my eyes. I don't even have the strength now to reach for it...maybe if I lie here long enough I'll fall asleep...

***

"Who's there? Open up!" I panic as I hear a voice behind the door. "Bummie is that you? I can pick locks."

I sigh. Minho. I hear the lock click as he comes through the door now. 

"Goodness, Key, are you okay? Why are you in the bathtub with your clothes on?"

"I don't know...I don't know..." I shake my head. "I can't do it." I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. My mind is blank.

"Yeah...I know. I'm really upset too, but—why are you ignoring me Bummie? I texted like six times..."

"I'm sorry...baby I'm sorry..." I'm crying now. "I'm the worst boyfriend ever."

"No, no...don't say that please, I—I don't want to lose you, too..."

My head hurts. I lean into him. "Minho...I'm sorry." 

"You don't have to be sorry for anything. Just promise me...I'm scared—" to my surprise, there are tears in his eyes. "Please, Bummie..."

"Okay," I say, stepping out of the wet tub, my clothes soaking. "Okay...I'm trying..."

"Yeah...I know this whole thing is so weird...we're all friends—like we've known each other for so long, but...it's different for you. Even when I hated you, he stood by you. I—I can't believe I ever hated you."

I shake my head. "It's okay now. You don't hate me now. It's all right." I feel like I'm talking to myself. I still don't know how I can do it. I can't stop it. I feel so terrible. "I-I feel like it's my fault...I didn't notice sooner or I didn't do enough...he was always there for me and I—"

"You're wrong about that though, because you're a really good friend."

"I think I'm awful..."

"It's not your fault. Please."

"I—"I can't talk now, can't even think. I find Minho's lap. 

"I've got you, okay? I've got you." 

"I—"

"I just want you to promise me you won't go..."

He's right though. I have to be strong now. But I feel like a pile of wet jelly. 

"It's okay to cry you know. It's fine. It's what he would say...J-Jong..."

I nod. He's right. Minho really is the best anyone could ask for. For him to check on me like that, even though he's upset too...I can't believe he used to be the brat on the playground, and now here we are. I love him so much. "Okay," I whisper. "I promise.”


End file.
